Aya Braeden (ayabraeden) wrote,
Aya Braeden

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Sometimes I just want to start over...

...so no one would have any prior convictions about me... no assumptions... no images of me.

I wish I could redefine myself... because so many people seem to have a defenition of me that isn't true. Not anymore.

My mind has made a shift. My persona, has yet again, changed. For the better. She is... more me than any character ever has been. I know I said that about new Aya, but... once this girl started forming, I realized how wrong Aya felt. This new persona, I haven't decided weither to keep the name Aya Braeden or use something else. Right now, i think I will keep it. Aya has become like a second name to me. On the other hand, I don't want myself, or this new representation of myself, my soul, my very fucking ESSENCE, to be EFFECTED by past personas, effected by what people think they know about me.

Some things that I seemed in the past no longer hold true. I've gone through some pretty shitty stuff, including unconciously trying to please people. Unconciously MAKING myself into someone I'm not because it seemed like what people wanted.

That was a hard fucking stage, and even when I realized what I was doing, it was hard as hell to pull out of it. I still struggle with it at times, although I am SO FUCKING PROUD to say that I have come so far. I don't think anyone but Mallin and probably my family truly REALIZE how far I've come. its not as easy as you'd think, at least not for me.

Everyone is always going to be effected and be concerned about what other people think. Even saying you don't care what people think is trying to effect what people think about you, conciously or not. HOWEVER. Its important to please yourself first. Its important to please yourself with what you portray to people and who you are. BLAH. i'm kind of tired. i feel... half asleep. i really hope i'm writing this well.

Because it is so important to me.

This new persona, This new Aya I guess, although keep in mind, I haven't ruled out the possibility of a NEW persona name... a new second name if you will. I know it would be hard, because SO MANY people know me as Aya... christ, but you know what? FUCK IT. My persona, MYSELF... god thats something very personal and very important to me. I'm going to do what feels right for me and what will please me, reguardless of any inconvenience to other people... although I do apologise.

I love this new persona. The inspiration? Well, while watching America's Next Top Model last night (shut up bitch XP) I loved this tomboy model... so i was like... well fweee... i'll make a character inspired by her. The more I thought about this character the more she shifted and changed and was affected by other things (other tomboy characters I have always, maybe even unconciously, felt for, adored, looked up to, WHATEVER... and just... blah! Sailor Jupiter too. SHUT UP SHE'S COOL!) and suddenly felt... suddenly I was her. I just realized thats the right way to put it. I've never felt that. Not with any other persona. Where I can actually feel myself within them and them within me. She. Was. ME. Perhaps a more idealized me, although by all means not much, but ME. I don't think I've ever felt so beautiful inside. Because what I've used as me inside has never truly been so me. Then suddenly, this girl forms, and she's me... and she's beautiful. She's wonderful. She's the kind of girl I love. She's beautiful. And she's me. It was amazing. It is amazing.

She is the girl that lies beneath this flesh. She is me within my mind. She is me in my imagination. She is my absolute essence and spirit, if you'd like to look at it as that.

I'm still figuring out specifics as far as her looks go, but at the moment... there are a few things I'm FAIRLY sure about... grey eyes. dark red brown hair. Fairer skin with a few scattered freckles (nothing major or even particularily noticable, its just part of what makes her so real...)

Thats another thing. She's real. She is flexable. She has a character, but... I can shape her for different role plays. I can have fun with it! I don't have such a SPECIFIC story for her, and to me... its better that way.

I don't know. My mind shifted last night, and I'm just... so happy about it. its concentrating more on these people, these characters that actually hardly anyone knows ANYTHING about... but as so insanely important to me if for nothing else, how real they are to me. So real it seems they could be walking downt he street. And my persona is interacting with them, which has made me feel more... more WHOLE and connected inside... sturdier for these wonderful people I have around me...

Mind you, my fantasy ideas are not gone. i still love fantasy. But what I really love is a good story, fantasy or not. People fascinate me. These are the most real characters I have ever had. EVER. There are ideas, and then there are beings within oneself that feel so real that you could feel their shape, feel their warmth, feel their heart beating inside you... hear them breath, hear them laugh... talk... cry...

I'm considering getting a new deviantart ID. Possibly a new journal too. that way, i can sort of get a clean slate without just... erasing my whole past you know?

This new persona... christ I love her. As far as the NAME goes... as far as MY NAME goes... I'll give you updates on that as it developes. Right now, I think I'll keep Aya, but I haven't made any real sure decision about it.

Did you know that Aya is a HEBREW name? o_o; I always thought it was japanese... the things you learn! Still means bird though :D

As far as animals go, I'm still a grey fox.

Yeah, I think I will remain Aya Braeden. I like the name. People KNOW ME as Aya. I know me as Aya. it would just be too... WEIRD to change it. Still feels right too, I realized, although I wasn't sure at first.

SO NO WORRIES ABOUT THE NAME. I'm still Aya Braeden. ^_^

I'm happy about all this. This new developement has made me feel much better about myself and taken me good steps out of this seeming depression I've sunk into the past few days... good thing too. That fuckin' sucked.
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