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7th July 2003

4:05pm: REMINDER
I have a NEW JOURNAL and a NEW DEVIANTART SITE and a NEW EMAIL. I still check my old email, but the new one is still there...

NEW JOURNAL -> www.livejournal.com/users/shatter_snow

NEW DA -> shatter-snow.deviantart.com

NEW EMAIL -> shatter_snow@yahoo.com

In other news... slezzy mexican sewer rats rule <3
Current Mood: loved

30th June 2003

7:54am: IMPORTANT
I have a new journal. I haven't listed any friends yet, but I'm going to, just haven't taken the time.

shatter_snow

I also got a new deviant site but there is nothing to put in it yet. That ID is shatter-snow.

I also got a new email, although don't worry I'll still check the old one. That email is, SHOCKINGLY,
shatter_snow@yahoo.com

Why shatter snow? I don't know. I just thought of it and I like the way it sounds. So, I used it. I need to start fresh. No I won't be deleting this journal, I just won't be using it anymore. Same with deviantart.

This is refreshing. *sigh*
Current Mood: content

27th June 2003

5:45pm: Rage in the cage
and piss upon the stage
there's only one sure way
to bring the giant down
defunct the strings
of cemetary things
with one flat foot
on the devil's wing

crawl on me
sink into me
die for me
living dead girl
crawl on me
sink into me
die for me
living dead girl

Raping the geek
and hustling the freak
like a hunchback juice
on a sentimental noose
operation filth
they love to love the wealth
of an SS whore
making scary sounds

crawl on me
sink into me
die for me
living dead girl
crawl on me
sink into me
die for me
living dead girl

psyclone jack
hallucinating hack
thinks donna reed
eats dollar bills
goldfoot machine
creates another fiend
so beautiful
they make you kill

crawl on me
sink into me
die for me
living dead girl
crawl on me
sink into me
die for me
living dead girl

blood on her skin
dripping with sin
do it again
living dead girl
blood on her skin
dripping with sin
do it again
living dead girl

*lyrics from Living Dead Girl, Rob Zombie rules*

Devil's Manor will own you all.

Pumpkinhead II was a dissappointment. Ah well. The first one rocked.

My mind has reached a new level. I don't know why this change with Aya... Aya becoming me really... did so much. Mallin said maybe I broke through a wall I didn't know was there. Could very well be. My imagination is functioning very noticably better. My ideas are not so jumbled or blurred... everything is clearer. I feel good about myself.

This is indescribable. As I said, its like my mind reached a new level, and I am left changed for the better.

Anne Rice erotica rules. I'm reading the Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. Sex. YAY.

TONIGHT, I shall watch movies, eat chinese, read porn... hopefully get out of working on thankyou notes until tommorrow, but if I can't, I'll just work on them while watching Rasputin. XD I rented that and the Amptiville Horror. My parents have some cool movie too. Fwee.

I need to get commissions mailed. They are way fucking overdue.

Speaking of which, Malice! Could you send me your addy?

I think to apologise for the wait I'll throw in a little sketch for both of them... *nod*

I love Rasputin. The movie has Rasputin played by ALAN RICKMAN. I fucking LOVE that man. XD

Rasputin is a drunk slut. GOD I love him. *hump*

*is strange* o_o;

c_c;

*flees*
Current Mood: weird

26th June 2003

10:57pm: stolen from Auguste because I feel like it #2
[x]WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME: Savannah Horrocks, Aya Braeden, both are me
[x]WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: jeans
[x]WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?: whirrrrrrrr
[x]WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?: Healthy Choice low fat mint chip ice cream
[x]IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: *shrug*
[x]HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?: eh, I want more storms
[x]LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? *shrug*
[x]THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?: the hair... c.c;
[x]HOW ARE YOU TODAY? anti-social
[x]FAVORITE DRINK? depends on what I'm in the mood for
[x]FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? no thanks
[x]HAIR COLOR? brown
[x]EYE COLOR? grey blue
[x]DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? that or glasses, and I hate my glasses
[x]FAVORITE FOOD? yum
[x]LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Breakfast Club
[x]LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Evanescence
[x]FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? of the whole YEAR? *shrug*
[x]ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? YEAH
[x]DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING MOVIES BETTER?: either so long as its well done
[x]SUMMER OR WINTER? WINTER
[x]HUGS OR KISSES? both please, FROM THE RIGHT PEOPLE
[x]RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships
[x]CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
[x]LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? house, with family
[x]WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? DARKNESS (its black)
[x]FAVORITE GAME BOARD? CHESS
[x]WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? online
[x]FAVORITE SMELLS? there are lots of good smells
[x]WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? depends on the day
[x]WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? depends
[x]GOLD OR SILVER? Silver, by far
[x]FAVORITE TV SHOW? cartoons
[x]WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? cereal
[x]WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH? too many people
[x]CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? almost
[x]WHO INSPIRES YOU?: lots of people
[x]BEACH, CITY, Or COUNTRY? FOREST, MOUNTAINS
[x]FAVORITE ICE CREAM? yum... ice cream...
[x]BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN? BUTTER AND SALT!!!!!
[x]FAVORITE COLORS? lots, but, purple, green, black, white
[x]FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING? Peanut Butter and honey
[x]BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE? oh yes, I know it
[x]WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE? stupidity, arrogance, bigotry, ignorance, etc. XP
[x]FAVORITE FLOWERS? roses, lilies
[x]IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE? lol wait?
[x]WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? white with multi colored hand prints
[x]HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 4
[x]CAN YOU JUGGLE? no
[x]FAVORITE Day(s) OF THE WEEK? Weekend
Current Mood: apathetic
10:22pm: stolen from Auguste because I feel like it
* ` - O1. full name - Savannah Horrocks, Aya Braeden. Either. Both are ME.
* ` - O2. date of birth - April 22, 1985
* ` - O3. age -; 18
* ` - O4. sex -; female
* ` - O5. height -; I think 5'4" or so...
* ` - O6. location - here
* ` - O7. hair color - brown
* ` - O8. eye color -; grey blue
* ` - O9. sexual preference - mostly men


now onto the questions...


* ` - O001. what do you think of cheerleading -; Whatever floats your boat, but not my thing
* ` - O002. favorite disney character -; SILVER omfg DUH
* ` - O003. what brand of deodorant do you use -; whatever I can borrow from someone else
* ` - O004. of the people you've kissed, who was the worst kisser -; I've only ever kissed one, and he's amazing
* ` - O005. do you know anyone who you think is homosexual but say they aren't -; *shrug*
* ` - O006. do you know anyone who is homosexual -; Yup.
* ` - O007. do you know anyone who is bisexual -; uh huh
* ` - O008. do you know anyone named leroy -; nupe
* ` - O009. do you like pickles -; Not all pickles, but I like certain pickles yes
* ` - O010. do you have a website -; ayabraeden.deviantart.com <- does that count?
* ` - O011. do you watch porn -; maybe ;D mmmmmmmmmmmporn
* ` - O012. are you black -; nu
* ` - O013. are you an ocean lover -; I love the ocean, but I wouldn't label myself an ocean lover...
* ` - O014. who are you gonna vote for -; whoever is less of a moronic asshole
* ` - O015. do you have your own phone line -; No, I hate the phone.
* ` - O016. your thoughts on abortion -; Pro-choice
* ` - O017. do you like britney spears -; *gag*
* ` - O018. do you wanta britney doll -; depends, can I play murder with it?
* ` - O019. what do you want for christmas -; *thinks* dunno... isn't it a little early to be thinking about that anyway?
* ` - O020. do you have your 2 front teeth -; yes
* ` - O021. what do you want to do with your life -; I don't know.
* ` - O022. ever been butt naked bangin' on the bathroom floor -; not yet XD
* ` - O023. would you ever get plastic surgery, if so, on what -; no. I'm OK with my natural self
* ` - O024. biggest redneck you know -; John Demir or however you spell that. Kid was in my class. GOD I hated him.
* ` - O025. last time you went to a skating rink -; years ago
* ` - O026. last time you went to a bowling alley -; not sure
* ` - O027. what perfume / cologne do you wear -; Black Rose
* ` - O028. do you think foreign accents are sexy -; Depends on the accent, but oh yes *hump*
* ` - O029. do you like jell-o -; depends on the flavor
* ` - O030. do you like hot dogs -; yup
* ` - O031. brand of toothpaste -; whatever I can find
* ` - O032. last time you went to the doctor -; not too long ago
* ` - O033. do you think ricky martin is gay -; how the fuck would I know?
* ` - O034. do you think tractors are sexy -; Tractors? Oh baby oh baby. No.
* ` - O035. do you have a credit card -; No.
* ` - O036. do you love your mom -; ... yes as much as I hate her sometimes ;3
* ` - O037. do you love your mom as much as norman bates did in PSYCHO - haven't seen it, but I know enough to say FUCKING HELL NO!
* ` - O038. ever taken ballet -; Actually yes, when I was young
* ` - O039. favorite juice -; ORANGE
* ` - O040. last time you used the restroom -; not long ago
* ` - O041. most attractive person you know? Mallin
* ` - O042. do you have any diseases -; yeah, mental ones
* ` - O043. last book you read -; The Last Unicorn - which was, by the way, incretible
* ` - O044. white, dark or milk chocolate - ALL THREE, right now fucker
* ` - O045. ever dyed your hair -; yeah
* ` - O046. what brand of shampoo and conditioner do you use -; whatever's there
* ` - O047. favorite holiday -; oh god I love holidays, but as far as TOP FAV'S go it would be a tie between halloween and christmas :D
* ` - O048. thing you hate most about your body - I wish my hair were a little flatter
* ` - O049. do you still play with barbies -; no
* ` - O050. last thing you rode in or on -; MALLIN >D just kidding, really? my car
* ` - O051. are men really from mars -; I don't know, mallin seems to be from Transylvania XD
* ` - O052. do you have chores -; yup
* ` - O053. last time you smoked a cigarette -; Never
* ` - O054. last time you smoked pot -; Never
* ` - O055. are you depressed -; on and off
* ` - O056. what do you wear to the beach -; black swim suit with red straps
* ` - O057. do you believe in angels - *shrug*
* ` - O058. would you ever join the army -; fuck no
* ` - O059. do you want a puppy -; of course!
* ` - O060. ever had a kick me sign on you -; can't say I have
* ` - O061. how about a lick me sign -; o_O; not that I know of
* ` - O062. favorite icing -; FROSTING!!!!!!!! white
* ` - O063. are you a flirt -; WAY to fucking shy
* ` - O064. last time you were scared -; when I almost drowned in my own lemonaide. STOP LAUGHING FUCKFACE
* ` - O065. last party you went to -; cousin's graduation party.
* ` - O066. do you do your own laundry -; no and I don't know how either c.c;
* ` - O067. what detergent do you use -; fuck if I know
* ` - O068. what fabric softner do you use -; see above
* ` - O069. are your nails real or fake -; real and chewed -_-;
* ` - O070. do you get jiggy with it -; working on it
* ` - O071. do you live in the wild wild west -; no, I'm kinda smack in the middle
* ` - O072. what do you wish your name was -; Aya
* ` - O073. favorite actor -; oh lets see... Alan Rickman, Johnny Depp, Anthony Hopkins, Jack Nickelson
* ` - O074. favorite actress -; oh oh! *thinks* that... GIRL... dammit... c_c;
* ` - O075. are your parents divorced -; no, although both have been divorsed from a prior marriage
* ` - O076. would you ever wear a waterbra -; I'm rather happy with small breasts thanks
* ` - O077. do you work out -; I occasionally try, but I never can get myself to stick to it
* ` - O078. are you muscular -; my legs are for some reason or another... o_O
* ` - O079. are you flabby -; I guess
* ` - O080. are you fat -; not really, though I feel that way sometimes, I'm not
* ` - O081. are you skinny -; no
* ` - O082. do you take lots of pictures -; No
* ` - O083. favorite tv show -; *thinks* cartoons?
* ` - O084. do you want a baby -; no thanks
* ` - O085. ever thought you were pregnant -; once actually, before mallin and I were even having real sex... I know I know I'm fuckin' paranoid.
* ` - O086. last time you were sick -; not sure
* ` - O087. butter or margarine -; whatever
* ` - O088. your feelings on mcdonalds chicken nuggets -; chicken strips please
* ` - O089. favorite movies -; oh god, here we go, *deep breath* Ginger Snaps, 10 Things I Hate About You, Breakfast Club, The Crow, Treasure Planet, Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, House of 1000 Corpses, Watership Down, Edward Scissorhands, Hannibal and the like, Puppet Master, MORE... christ I love movies...
* ` - O090. do you believe in santa clause -; hi mom and dad
* ` - O091. do you go to a tanning salon -; fuck no, I have a brain
* ` - O093. do you have a car -; yeah, but my parents pay for everything so its not technically mine
* ` - O094. do you have your license -; yup
* ` - O095. how do you get around -; my car... my parents... Mallin...
* ` - O096. favorite rugrats character -; omg EW
* ` - O097. got milk -; we're almost out. There better be enough for my cereal in the morning...
* ` - O098. do you sniff markers -; I'm used to the fumes
* ` - O099. are you dissatisfied with your hair color-; eh.
* ` - O100. what kind of jewelry do you wear -; I have lots of necklaces and bracelets, but I hardly ever wear them. HOWEVER I never take a certain silver ring off. Love you Mallin.
* ` - O101. what do you think of *//\//SYNC -; um. Ew.
* ` - O102. have you ever modeled -; no
* ` - O103. do you shop from catalogs -; no
* ` - O104. what do you like the preferred sex (or sexes) to wear -; nothing ;D or honestly? GOTHY STUFF XD
* ` - O105. do you have a cell -; I have lots of them. Everything is made of cells. LAUGH I'M FUNNY DAMN YOU. No I don't have a cell phone.
* ` - O106. what do you think of eminem -; :P
* ` - O107. favorite kind of gum -; dental stuff thats good for your teeth
* ` - O108. would you ever get a tattoo -; way to scared of needles
* ` - O109. do you think lil bow wow is cute -; not really
* ` - O110. have you seen charlie's angels, the movie -; first one? family watched it. Bleh.
* ` - O111. what magazines are you subscribed to -; NONE
* ` - O112. do you believe your horoscope - never look at it
* ` - O113. what's your sign -; Taurus
* ` - O114. do you like coffee -; EW
* ` - O115. pen or pencil -; depends
* ` - O116. are you ghetto -; fuck if I know
* ` - O117. favorite lip gloss -; chap stick
* ` - O118. do you wear a watch -; nupe
* ` - O119. sunglasses -; I need some
* ` - O120. ever use nair -; curious, but haven't tried it.
* ` - O121. ever been to the mall of america -; yeah, i'm onlya couple hours away afterall
* ` - O122. do you want a leather jacket -; black?
* ` - O123. ever ridden a motorcycle -; no
* ` - O124. do you think justin timberlake and britney spears had sex -; their business. I really don't give a shit
* ` - O125. what do you think of the backstreet boys -; ew
* ` - O126. do you read the chicken soup books -; I actually read one a long time ago... or rather... soem of it. Eh.
* ` - O127. have you seen the exorcist -; HOLY FUCK DID THAT MOVIE FREAK ME OUT! XD
* ` - O128. are you online a lot -; sometimes
* ` - O129. do you have an old navy performance fleece -; gimme cotton
* ` - O130. are you getting tired of doing this -; nothing better to do.
* ` - O131. do you buckle up -; always
* ` - O132. do you have any siblings -; Sister *hugs*
* ` - O134. what are their names -; Vanessa
* ` - O135. what are their ages -; 16
* ` - O136. do they wanna fill out our great survey -; *hangs up/walks away*
* ` - O137. do you know how to yo-yo -; not really
* ` - O138. what color are your panties -; purple
* ` - O139. okay, we're done. are you happy -; eh?
Current Mood: blah

25th June 2003

8:32pm: Arphalia, you are my hero.

I've said it before, but sometimes, I just like to say it again. Love you Arphling. ;3
7:25pm: Sometimes I just want to start over...
...so no one would have any prior convictions about me... no assumptions... no images of me.

I wish I could redefine myself... because so many people seem to have a defenition of me that isn't true. Not anymore.

My mind has made a shift. My persona, has yet again, changed. For the better. She is... more me than any character ever has been. I know I said that about new Aya, but... once this girl started forming, I realized how wrong Aya felt. This new persona, I haven't decided weither to keep the name Aya Braeden or use something else. Right now, i think I will keep it. Aya has become like a second name to me. On the other hand, I don't want myself, or this new representation of myself, my soul, my very fucking ESSENCE, to be EFFECTED by past personas, effected by what people think they know about me.

Some things that I seemed in the past no longer hold true. I've gone through some pretty shitty stuff, including unconciously trying to please people. Unconciously MAKING myself into someone I'm not because it seemed like what people wanted.

That was a hard fucking stage, and even when I realized what I was doing, it was hard as hell to pull out of it. I still struggle with it at times, although I am SO FUCKING PROUD to say that I have come so far. I don't think anyone but Mallin and probably my family truly REALIZE how far I've come. its not as easy as you'd think, at least not for me.

Everyone is always going to be effected and be concerned about what other people think. Even saying you don't care what people think is trying to effect what people think about you, conciously or not. HOWEVER. Its important to please yourself first. Its important to please yourself with what you portray to people and who you are. BLAH. i'm kind of tired. i feel... half asleep. i really hope i'm writing this well.

Because it is so important to me.

This new persona, This new Aya I guess, although keep in mind, I haven't ruled out the possibility of a NEW persona name... a new second name if you will. I know it would be hard, because SO MANY people know me as Aya... christ, but you know what? FUCK IT. My persona, MYSELF... god thats something very personal and very important to me. I'm going to do what feels right for me and what will please me, reguardless of any inconvenience to other people... although I do apologise.

I love this new persona. The inspiration? Well, while watching America's Next Top Model last night (shut up bitch XP) I loved this tomboy model... so i was like... well fweee... i'll make a character inspired by her. The more I thought about this character the more she shifted and changed and was affected by other things (other tomboy characters I have always, maybe even unconciously, felt for, adored, looked up to, WHATEVER... and just... blah! Sailor Jupiter too. SHUT UP SHE'S COOL!) and suddenly felt... suddenly I was her. I just realized thats the right way to put it. I've never felt that. Not with any other persona. Where I can actually feel myself within them and them within me. She. Was. ME. Perhaps a more idealized me, although by all means not much, but ME. I don't think I've ever felt so beautiful inside. Because what I've used as me inside has never truly been so me. Then suddenly, this girl forms, and she's me... and she's beautiful. She's wonderful. She's the kind of girl I love. She's beautiful. And she's me. It was amazing. It is amazing.

She is the girl that lies beneath this flesh. She is me within my mind. She is me in my imagination. She is my absolute essence and spirit, if you'd like to look at it as that.

I'm still figuring out specifics as far as her looks go, but at the moment... there are a few things I'm FAIRLY sure about... grey eyes. dark red brown hair. Fairer skin with a few scattered freckles (nothing major or even particularily noticable, its just part of what makes her so real...)

Thats another thing. She's real. She is flexable. She has a character, but... I can shape her for different role plays. I can have fun with it! I don't have such a SPECIFIC story for her, and to me... its better that way.

I don't know. My mind shifted last night, and I'm just... so happy about it. its concentrating more on these people, these characters that actually hardly anyone knows ANYTHING about... but as so insanely important to me if for nothing else, how real they are to me. So real it seems they could be walking downt he street. And my persona is interacting with them, which has made me feel more... more WHOLE and connected inside... sturdier for these wonderful people I have around me...

Mind you, my fantasy ideas are not gone. i still love fantasy. But what I really love is a good story, fantasy or not. People fascinate me. These are the most real characters I have ever had. EVER. There are ideas, and then there are beings within oneself that feel so real that you could feel their shape, feel their warmth, feel their heart beating inside you... hear them breath, hear them laugh... talk... cry...

I'm considering getting a new deviantart ID. Possibly a new journal too. that way, i can sort of get a clean slate without just... erasing my whole past you know?

This new persona... christ I love her. As far as the NAME goes... as far as MY NAME goes... I'll give you updates on that as it developes. Right now, I think I'll keep Aya, but I haven't made any real sure decision about it.

Did you know that Aya is a HEBREW name? o_o; I always thought it was japanese... the things you learn! Still means bird though :D

As far as animals go, I'm still a grey fox.

Yeah, I think I will remain Aya Braeden. I like the name. People KNOW ME as Aya. I know me as Aya. it would just be too... WEIRD to change it. Still feels right too, I realized, although I wasn't sure at first.

SO NO WORRIES ABOUT THE NAME. I'm still Aya Braeden. ^_^

I'm happy about all this. This new developement has made me feel much better about myself and taken me good steps out of this seeming depression I've sunk into the past few days... good thing too. That fuckin' sucked.
Current Mood: refreshed
7:07pm: omfg. We had a fucking HUGE storm last night. There were really fucking HARDCORE storms ALL OVER Minnesota last night. SEVERE storms. TORNADO PRODUCING storms. I fucking LOVED it. It was just what the doctor ordered. Well, yesterday overall was a fucking LOVELY day. I shall start from the beginning.

My day did not start out so wonderful. Worked for the first time (cleaning at my dad's office, I'm basically a janitor... lol) which was fine. 2 hours. Good work. *shrug* Then I came home, fought with my mom, and fell into that hardcore depressed state again and fucking CRIED. Mallin came over and held me and soon I was happy.

He just... god I love you Mallin. He just held me and comforted me while I cried. he didn't tell me to stop or keep asking whats wrong. He was so... strong and patient and loving and was soon being wonderful and cheering me up and mrrrrrrrrrr. I had... moments with him. Those moments where I just... can't believe how lucky I am. Where I am overwhelmed by my love for him. We had a lovely time.

After he went to work, I visited my grandmother. I just sat and talked to her for a long time. About movies and books and casual stuff like that, then about personal things like friends and love and feelings... it was so lovely to connect with her like that. I love Betty so much. That was another MOMENT.

Then I went home and vanessa and I ate dinner together. Then tornado warnings and such so we had to go to the basement. The warning kept extending, then a tornado producing storm was heading RIGHT towards us. After a while, the fear wore off so we just sat down there with the TV on the same station so we could get any updates and such. We watched America's Next Top Model (and loved it, what the fuck?) and some other junk... OH I forgot to mention, my parents weren't home. They were buying a new truck... they had to stop the car on the way home and seek shelter. We kept in good communication, and at one point they called and told us to get in the basement closet underthe stairs NOW. SO we took the dogs and blankets and used sleeping bags in the closet to both use as protection should the shit hit the fan and for comfort until the shit hits the fan or until the coast was clear. We sat and talked. Finally my parents came home and all was cool.

I had a really nice time with my sister, and the storm, once I got over the fear, was AMAZING. We ate so much junk though. Half a bag of chocolate chips, ice cream, and this chocolate cake stuff my parents brought home. After my parents got home and the storm calmed down, i watched a movie she likes with her. Welcome to the Dollhouse. Depressing as all hell, but a GREAT movie.

Then neither of us could sleep, so we just, TALKED for a long time. It was wonderful. We've been getting along more and more like friends ever since the trip, and last night was really great. Moments. Connection. Mrr. I love my sister.

Last night had a lot of self revelation too. But I'll talk about that later.

Today, Mallin and I watched most of 10 Things I Hate About You. I don't care. I love that movie. :P
Current Mood: content

23rd June 2003

8:18pm: in hopes of cheering up...
While you take a dump, IS THERE ANY COOL PASTIME? : reading comics. duh.

Name 10 favourite OBJECTS/THINGS/ANYTHING at the moment:I don't know.

Who comes to mind when you hear...


Banana: better not be fucking rotten
Apple: gimme
Banappleanuspie: o_O;
Mr. Head: A balloon for some reason or another
Blondie: that dumbass comic in the sunday paper
Betsy Sue: I pity the girl with that name
Mofo: Mojo Jojo
Jiggaboo: my dead racist grandfather
Yellow: Hillary
Blue: pretty
Red: Arphalia, Mallin, BLOOD, Liisa
Purple: JOYLIN and Hillary because Hillary says purple makes her think of me <3
Green: forest *sigh*
White: beauty
Black: also beauty
Pink: Liisa and Leelee <3
Silver: favorite metal and TREASURE PLANET
*cough*RAINBOW*cough* (I don't care what anyone says, IT'S a damn color in my BOOK): Push
COLORINGBOOK: MY LITTLE PONY gimmegimmegimme
Wolf: Mallin, Amanda
Cats: my baby *sigh*
Tiger: a beautiful striding tiger
Husky: Sabby
MOUSE: um. A mouse.
Snowbunny: SILVERBLUE
Bluetit: What LeeLee said
Crane: my neck? O_O; I don't know
Seagull: Mine?
Monkey: dunno

INSERTANYANIMALHERE: FOX
Robyn: BIRDY
Wormy: ew

OUT of your ALL UR FRIENDS, what BAND reminds YOU of THEM: *shrug* for my closest, dearest friends, specific songs make me think of them, and then bands I know they love a lot.

Who do you currently wanna shove a cucumber up their crusty coochie? : o_O;

WHY is JOHN so PERVERTED ? : because he's a pervert?

DO YOU LIKE BEING PERVERTED : when I'm in the mood ;D

MM, I LIKE PORNO: I'm more interested in hentai and the like than I am in photographs and live video.

THE ONES, WHERE LIKE PEOPLE SEE HOW FAR THEY CAN DEEPTHROAT PLUNGERS : ... you do that... *goes and does something else*

Any comments :) ? : ... *raises eyebrow*

RIGHT NOW I WISH : 'Delle was online. I miss you hun. <:( You gotta show your girl..a little respect..or you wont..get..nothing..back but hate..its those little things that mean so much..you gotta treat her right or GET OUTTA, HER SIGHT: ... alright... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOVES ORANGE SODA? : ME WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOVES ALL*THAT FIRST SEASON STYLE? : I don't love it, but it was amusing :3 OMFG, BELLA MORTE HAS SUCH BEAUTIFUL SYNTHS, DOWNLOAD FALL NO MORE BY THEM : LAZY Are you enjoying my quiz? ;.;? Is it NICE? SQUEEZEADUBABLE LIKE BIG BREASTED BABOONS? : I'm frightened. And no. ;3 actually it is cheering me up quite a bit. ON my FIRST visit at the ZOO I thought the BABOONS ASS WAS SMEARED BY RED LIPSTICK, ROTLMFASODFOASDFMAS : I probably wouldn't have thought much about it. Its part of the animal afterall. I might have wondered WHY its ass was red, but... *shrug* If I gave you a kiss on your cheek, would you... (A)Smile and never stop (B)BARF (c)Squeal and have 23849238 orgasms (D) say: "WHO THA HELL ARE YOU, BOYYYY, I'M BOUTS TA GET KRUNK, OHHHH BOY I'MMA GET THIS BLACKASS FRYING PAN ON Y0 GRILL!" D!!!! I choose NONE of the above. Considered I don't know you, I would blush and wonder what the hell that was about and who the hell you are :3 One time..when I was little...there was a huge monarch swarm like a tornado, when I was eight, at school on the playground near the field where it was usually vacant..and I got in the middle of them, it was beautiful, I miss that: It does sound beautiful. INSERTRANDOMBABBLETHOUGHTWHATEVERHERE: ... ARE YOU: GOTHIC? yup. EMO? I have no idea. PUNK? Probably not? But I don't know. PREP? DEFENITELY NOT. EMOTH? No clue? GOTHUNK? OH I see what you're doing. PREPUNK? cut that out I'M ORIGINAL AND KEWL BECAUSE I'M NOT ANYTHING BUT MYSELF AND I AVOID TRENDS AND LABELS EVERY DAMN DAY CUZ' I'M SPECIAL AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT, MWAHAHAHA: uh, not in those words... I LOVED CHEER BEAR: GOOD FOR YOU only carebears SUCK OH,GOD,NOSTALGIA ATTACK LIKE WOAH, NAME 283482384823 OLD T.V SHOWS: LIKE OMG! NO! *brainless grin* hi I'm silly. I didn't watch that much TV o_O; My dream lollypop design would look like: GREEN AND PURPLE WHAT do you expect from me in a package in da mail? : I have no clue. Hopefully money ;D I STILL SIT IN SANTAS LAP IN THA MALL, do YOU? : I was terrified of doing that in the first place. I think I was afraid Santa wouldn't like me. WHO WANTS TO INVADE CHUCKY CHEESES WITH ME AND PLAY IN THE BALLS EVEN THOUGH WE CAN'T CUZ STUPID AGE DECIDES WHO CAN OR CAN'T *POUTS* UM, PROTEST: BALLS!!!!!!! HARDCORE! LETS! I LOVE HANSON, CAN'T DENY IT, DOOO YUUUUUUU: thats nice. And no, I don't. But you go right ahead. i'm a LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT : thats a dumb song :P ..DISNEYLAND*#*(*(#%*( : After that book tape my parents had in the car on our trip, It hink I'm afraid of rides... O_O I can actually SING good, AND like a girl, CAN YOU: I am a girl, and I guess so... ^^; I CAN DANCE AND GRIND AND FLOW GOOD, CAN YOU: ... nu -.- LOVE-HATE: overdose of both Will you remember or think of me forever when you hear the rainbow or see one? : I don't know who you are... so I'm sorry? This will never be the end: oh yes it will
Current Mood: better
7:43pm: Hi everyone. I'm back.

Whatever I feel like reporting about my trip will have to wait though. I'm in a fucking HORRIBLE mood.

I don't know why.

I just feel really rotten right now. Really. Fucking. Rotten.

Trying to vent through art. But you know, my art never comes out right anyway, so I'll probably just end up more frustrating.

Stupid fucking worthless fat ugly selfish no good horrible little bitch named SAVANNAH.

I'll never do anything that really makes a difference. I'll never be anything important. I'll just continue to be this fucking worthless little waste of flesh. UGLY lump of worthless flesh at that.

God. I don't know. Did I forget to take my meds? Stuff like this happens when I forget to take my meds...

I feel like me years ago. I feel absolutely SICK with self loathing right now. Sensitive. Touchy. I'm crabby as all hell to my family.

I wish Mallin weren't at work.

I wish I could cry right now. FUCKING cry. Just... get it all the hell out... instead of feeling it just BUILD like this...

what in FUCKING HELL brought this SHIT on?

fuck.

CHRIST.

I'm fucking DEEP in this shit. Fucking submerged in this black, sickening MUCK.

I haven't been this deep in for a while.

FUCK IT. I'm going to stop now. I've probably already upset some people. I'm sorry. Don't worry. I'll be OK later, and then I'll write again. But right now...

shit.
Current Mood: fuck me

11th June 2003

9:31am: Well, this will be my last entry for a while. Leaving later today for my family camping trip. I'll be back on the 21st.

A few last call outs:

'Delle: Last night's RP was SUPER fun. We'll have to continue it when I get back :D Love you! OH AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU COME UP WITH FOR THE VULPECULA! :D :D :D

Arph: Hope you got my email! Love you so much! Good luck with house and job hunting! <3<3<3

Lisa: I'll miss you lovely... you'll be in my thoughts. I love you so very very much.

AND TO THE REST OF YOU! I'll miss ya. <3<3<3 See you all when I get back, hopefully with new art and stories and good times.

Latah!
Current Mood: busy
12:10am: Stolen from LeeLee <3
Name: Savannah
Age: 18
1) Where is your favorite place to shop?: Bookstores (like Barnes and Noble! OMG!), Art Stores, Hot Topic, Ragstock, and WEIRD STORES :D
2) Any tattoos or piercings?: ears, but I haven't used them in AGES so I bet they are closed?
3) Do you do drugs: nup
4) What are you most scared of: losing mallin, death
5) What are you listening to right now: computer whirring
6) Color: black, white, purple, green... but I love LOTS of colors...
7)If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?: I would be Aya.

HAVE YOU EVER...
1) Given anyone a bath: DOGGIES
2) Smoked: nup
3) Bungee jumped: HELL NO
4) Broken the law: probably
5) Went skinny dipping?: when I was little
6) Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: can't... ._.

1. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day?: Depends really, but I love rain. I also love snow. AND STORMS OMFG I WANT A STORM *death*
2. Do you consider yourself lucky? Yes.
3. Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide?: ...pity? That sounds so condescending...
4. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: hmmm... indescribable :D
5. Do you own any plaid clothing? Skirt that I don't wear very often.
6. Favorite Quote: Currently? "Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever."

5 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING
1. OLD faded and ripped black T-shirt
2. GREEN zippery pants with D-rings and black stars
3. underwear... you know... bra and panties?
4. socks
5. my mallin ring <3 I never take it off.

1. Have you ever spat on anybody?: Mallin, jokingly
2. Have you been spat on?: Yeah, my sister has done that a couple times. NOT jokingly.
3. Have you ever got drunk?: Nup
4. Do you ever feel murderous to any of your friends? not to friends
5. Do you want sex?: MALLIN
6. Do you carry scissors with you?: no
7. Are your parents freaks?: Yup. <3
8. Have you ever tried drugs?: No.
9. Do you treat your parents bad?: Everyone has their days... -.-;
10. Are you ashamed of it?: I feel bad when I do, but I apologise and we work it out. Overall i get along well with my parents :3
11. Do you have a mobile? a what?
13. What's your favorite alcohol?: No thankyou
14. Can you talk properly?: sometimes I get messedup, but for the most part XD
15. What are you wearing?: didn't we already cover this?
16. How often do you think about sex?: ALL THE TIME XD
17. What are you watching?: ... um the computer screen?
18. Are you stupid?: Nu.
19. Are you a loner?: yeah
20. How many times have you fallen off your bike? *shrug*
21. Have you ever tried self-torture?: No.
22. Where's the best place you've been to?: forests...
23. Is your country a cesspit?: ...
24. Do you like arson?: arson? wazzat? I'm tired gimme a break
25. What sport do you like?: I like to play tennis. And volleyball. I'm a good Skiier
26. Have you ever stolen anything?: I accidently stole a sketchbook from Barnes and Noble. TOTAL ACCIDENT. Really. Ask Mallin. O_O
1. Things you like in the opposite sex: Mallin <3
2. When was your first *real* kiss: About a year and a half ago ^.^
3. Are you a virgin: Hi Mallin I love you <3
4. The most romantic words anyone has said to you was: Mallin has said so many I can't begin to remember them all. He is PAINFULLY romantic.
5. Which is more important- personality or looks?: Both
6. First boyfriend/girlfriend: Mallin- first and only
7. Lights on or off? Depends on what I'm doing
8. Eyes open or closed? depends
9. Bunk-bed or waterbed? hmmmmm... bunk so long as I still get to cuddle mallin
10. Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? Both in one = MALLIN

1. Sweet or sour? BOTH
2. Considered being a hooker? never
3. Considered being a pimp? never
4. Are you psycho? I guess?
5. Insecure: Yup. Not half as bad as I used to be though.
6. Shy: Same as above
7. Difficult: At times
8. Attractive: Some seem to think so #^_^#
9. Bored Easily: Nup
10. Responsible: For the most part, I think so.
11. Moody: YUP

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
1. You touched? uh... my mom was being crazy and demanded, DEMANDED I tell you!, a hug. So my mom.
2. You talked to? mom and dad
3. You hugged? I already answered that
4. You called? Mallin
5. You kissed? Mallin
6. You yelled at? Mom I think, not seriously. She was being crazy. o.o
7. You laughed with?: Dad
1) What color is your house?: Dark grey
2) What color are your eyes?: blue grey
3) What color are your socks?: white
4) What color are your lips?: natural
5) What color are your shoes?: not wearing any, but most of my shoes are black
6) What color are your nails?: natural
7) What color is your hair?: Dark. I want black -.-
8) What color is your car?: white
9) What color is your computer?: computery?
10) What color are your pants?: currently- GREEN

{*}ANY LAST WORDS?: last words? *whimper*

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Never seeing Mallin again
02 | Death
03 | Needles

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Mallin
02 | Poofy
03 | Ru

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | Mallin
02 | My mind
03 | Lisa + friends

THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | The shitty aspects of humanity
02 | prejudice
03 | blocks

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
I have no clue

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
JUNK

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | RPing with Adelle
02 | Filling in this thing...
03 | missing/wanting Mallin

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | write
02 | create art
03 | make certain people happy

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | creative
02 | cute
03 | loner

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS:
01 | cute
02 | pretty
03 | BLAH

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | truly express everything I wish I could
02 | dance well
03 | use a pottery wheel

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | I love you
02 | Dude
03 | fuck

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | TURKEY LEGS WITH NOODLES
02 | TRUFFLES
03 | STUFF

THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | to read tarot cards
02 | I'd like to create and learn my own language (does that count?)
03 | COOL STUFF

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | milk
02 | crystal light
03 | orange juice

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | My Little Pony
02 | Popples
03 | Seseme Street
Current Mood: tired

10th June 2003

6:12pm: I wish Mallin was here...

I leave either tomorrow night or the next morning for a 10 day camping trip with my family. I'll be back on the 21st. :3 It'll be fun and a lovely break, but I will miss Mallin and my friends. <3<3<3 Hopefully I'll have new art and maybe even a story or two by the time I get back. But no promises. ;3 I wanna relax.

I didn't get the job at Subway. GACK. Oh well. My mom says she's going to pay me to help her do all kinds of hard work around the house and such if I can't find a job, which I probably WON'T and strangely enough, I would actually prefer the manual labor to working a cash register. I enjoy mowing the long and doing other productive things like that. I like being able to think about other things while I work. I like the physical excercise. I like feeling exhausted afterwards. I like looking back and SEEING what I've done. I really, REALLY do.

Trying a few new things with my style as well as new things with how I finish my art. Patience Aya, patience. I really want to get into an art groove, I have so many things I want to draw... GAH... >_<

Oh I uploaded to Deviantart by the way. A picture I did for Mallin. I'm very proud of it. :3 I love him so very, VERY much...

I have parchment paper. Weeeeeee! *tries to draw*

HI LISA I LOVE YOU.

OK I'm done.
Current Mood: lonely

8th June 2003

9:55am: I'm graduating today. Woo?

Last night was blah-ish. My uncle... can make me really uncomfortable. The only reason I invited him was because I knew he would be heartbroken if I didn't. -_-; he doesn't know when to leave me alone, and he touches me to much in ways that make me very uncomfortable. Guh.

And my aunt susan has done nothing but make me want to punch her since she got here. >_<

And they were the relatives aside from my family that were there last night. At least I got good food. :p And I had Mallin...

Finally we broke away, and then we watched the Animatrix WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and then we just... cuddled and talked and connected and it made my night incretible. <:3 Today will be better because there will be people I like coming, or so I hope. Then I'll be spending the night with Mallin. Fweeeeeeee. Lisa got my email. Yay. :3 I love her so, you have no idea. *hearts*
Current Mood: bouncy

7th June 2003

10:22am: stolen from Vulpie
I am not: perfect
I hurt: sometimes
I love: lots of things, but most of all, Mallin
I hate: the shitty things humans do
I fear: losing mallin, death, and needles
I forget: too much
I remember: too little
I imagine: more than you will ever know
I hope: I get a thunderstorm today
I crave: Mallin
I regret: things
I care: a lot
I always: think
I want: my art to be what I want it to be
I feel alone: occasionally
I listen: to everything
I hide: in my room
I pretend: whenever I can
I drive: when I have to
I sing: privately
I cry: too much sometimes
I destroy: nothing
I dance: shyly
I write: stories
I wake: when someone or something wakes me
I breathe: slowly at the moment
I play: with Mallin
I venture: not nearly as much as I'd like
I find: beauty in places most people wouldn't look
I pray: just in case
I miss: Little Kitty
I kiss: Mallin, A LOT
I succeed: occasionally
I search: for myself
I learn: what I want to learn
I feel: too much sometimes
I know: more than you might think
I joke: but I'm not funny
I say: very little
I change: what I can for the better
I fail: sometimes
I dream: a lot
I believe: many things
I wonder: about many things
I want: cake, dammit
I worry: sometimes too much, somes too little
I wish: I was Aya
I fight: with my family, but thats a given
I need: love
I am: myself
Current Mood: okay
1:43am: I love Ebby. YAY for house of 1000 corpses RP. *hearts for Otis*

so tired. on way past when I was supposed to... shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hope I don't get caught...

Mallin had to go to work early. But I had Ebby and Otis lovin' so all was well. :3

Have to clean tomorrow. Then I get dinner and cake. And the next day I graduate, then get more dinner and cake! Plus presents and money. WOOT.

I guess Ash and Arph aren't coming? Thats OK, a lot of people aren't. ^^;;; heh.

So. Tired.

Didn't end up drawing anything today... lots of trying, but nothing. probably because I'm so damn tired now... heh...

I love Mallin so much. Mrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

My parents bought me a bright CORAL (PINK) t-shirt. Its hideous... o_O;;; NOT wearing accept for maybe sleeping.

so tired.

I miss lisa. I hope she got my email. I'm happy she won that contest. <3

I am really tired.

I got to talk to Jolyn very VERY briefly. It was good. <3

Did I mention that I'm tired?

I RPed with Ephe. :D Cyan and Olive are cute friends. <3

I really am tired.

Adelle said she MUST draw Otis for me. I'm not about to dissagree. <3

No really, I AM tired.

I wish I was photogenic so I could model in cool photography. I wish I had a nice picture for nice photography. I wish I knew how to make fake blood. Lots of fake blood.

TIRED.

I wish I had a nice digital camera... oh yes, that would be nice.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

i wish I could draw whats in my head.

My head is tired.

Otis is the sex. I die now.

DEATH BY TIRED.

I suffered House of 1000 corpses withdrawl today.

I'm obsessed and also tired.

I love Ashryn and Arphalia and I feel like I do nothing for them, I wish I could do more. <3

And I'm tired.

Ebby is almighty.

Is she tired? Because I am...

I'm not leaving yet because... yeah.

I'm tired.

I love Otis. I said that already. Like. 29384723 times.

But I'm tired, so fuck off.

I want cake. But my mom won't let me eat it.

And I'd choke on it because I'm tired.

I'm hungry.

But I'm more tired.

I don't want to clean tomorrow.

So I hope I won't be tired.

Anyone who tries to wake me up early will die.

Because I'm tired and I want to sleep for a week dammit.

Jim loves Adelle because I say so.

And I'm tired so don't contradict me BITCH.

I drew mallin in a bunny suit a couple days ago. It was amusing.

But I'm not laughing right now because I'm tired.

I can't see the screen.

My contacts are sticky because I'm tired.

Roux rules. <3

Do you suppose she is tired?

My toe has hurt all day. I think I broke it.

But I can't feel it right now because my feet are cold and I'm tired.

I think I'll stop writing now.

Or maybe not because I'm tired.

Or maybe so. Goodnight everyone.
Current Mood: tired

6th June 2003

3:29pm: UGH I don't like my art right now.

No, I don't think its not good. No, I don't think its ugly. I'm just FAILING to show the things I want to show and express the things I want to express...

I'm going to try new things. I'm going to get my art to be what I want it to be...

I'm fucking DETERMINED.

Go Aya... Go Aya... *feels like a dork*
Current Mood: determined
3:02pm: OMG I LOVE EBBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hardcoreroughPUSHMEDOWNOTISSEX *dies*
Current Mood: horny
1:41pm: I feel much better now. Ebby really cheered me up <3<3<3 AND THEN I went and cleaned up my room and I was in the mood to make myself pretty.

AND HOW.

I straightened my hair. then I got dressed in cool clothes (OK not at all different from what I normally wear but OH WELL ITS FUCKING SATISFYING RIGHT NOW) I'm wearing my green zippery pants, my black with red letters Transylvania University t-shirt, a little chain necklace with spikes, and when I go out, I'll wear this cool cream colored jacket with all these oldish looking ink drawings on it that I got from ragstock. I look more like AYA, the human doodles I've been doing of her... and Aya is beautiful... so I feel gorgeous. YAY!

I'll make Mallin take pictures later.

I feel like there is so much that people don't know about me. But I hate trying to describe myself... BLAH.

My art frustrates me. I want things to look more like they do in my head. I'm working on it, but its not easy. x_x

I love House of 1000 Corpses. I already know I want to watch it again tonight. XD I love Otis. *HUMP*

I'm hungry. But I'm not going to eat anything right now. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO :D

I miss Lisa. *many many hearts*

little over two hours before Mallin should be waking up... hehe

OK I FLEEE
Current Mood: beautiful
11:21am: guh. I am NOT happy right now. I want to write about it. I want to express myself. But its hard right now... I don't know...

My mood right now is hard to describe. I think it might lead to revelation. But I don't know. FUCK I hope so.

Mad World. Beautiful, haunting, fucking DEPRESSING song... I love it, and its the only thing I want to listen to right now, for some reason.

Ebby's online, thats... REALLY helping. *smiles* We're talking about House of 1000 Corpses now. YAY.

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with myself and my art... I'm frustrated because... oh fuck it. I can't explain it. This is something I have to sort out for myself I guess.

I'll be alright. I'm actually cheering up quite a bit now thanks to Ebby. *little grin* so I'm off to talk with her and listen to some hopefully CHEER UP music...

later.
Current Mood: cynical
11:05am: beuatiful
Slit Throat(self-inflicted). A slit throat
may show what a person is truly feeling, as
well as their interest n the more morose. The
person will often be reclusive, or have a
dark/bitter dispositon. They might have a
strage fetish, such as vampires, blood, or
biting.



How this effects you:



You yourself, may find you agreeing with some
of, if not all of the symptoms above, if you do
happen to have some similarities to this
stereotype, I suggest you get the help you
need, and more then likely, deserve.


How Will You Die? (Caution: Graphic Photos)
brought to you by Quizilla

huh...
Current Mood: blah
10:44am: I sang a lot last night. You have no idea how freeing it is to be able to sing in front of mallin. FINALLY.

We watched House again last night. LOL XD We are OBSESSIVE AS ALL HELL! I want to watch it again... *crazed* they are already going to make a sequal! ALKDFJSLDKFJSLDKFJ because the cast and everyone involved is still in that HOUSE mood! :D :D :D :D :D YAY! Hardcore fucking WOOOOOOO YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I have an interview at Subway next week. God I really hope I get a job...

I miss Mallin during the day, OK well I'm just lonely as hell during the day... -.-; blah.

I dunno. I woke up in an OFF mood this morning. I'm sure I'll feel better later though...

Got a picture for Inhix sketched out yesterday. I also started RE sketching Ebby's commish. i like it way better now.

I can't draw furries AT ALL recently. But to be perfectly honest, I don't care at the moment. I've been able to draw humans beautifully and THAT makes me VERY VERY happy because I finally have a good style going, something I can draw rather CONSISTANTLY.. seriously I've done a couple pages of different aya expressions and they all look like the same character! Aya is beautiful. WEEEEEEE. Anyway, lots of yay. I'm still a little shakey with bodies... but I've been using this reference book more often and its really REALLY helping. ^_^ So yay!

I should try some non-morphic animals too... draw some of the animal characters in my head. Most of my characters and their stories are human when I imagine them, for the most part at least, considering I have vampires and werewolves and other such things. Then there are pure ANIMAL characters. A pack of giant wolves. A black dragon. A mini greyhound. AND MORE.

I don't want to let this human drawing go. NOT AT ALL. I'm sure my furry will come back to me... but right now human and non-morphic animals are pretty damn important to me...

Auguste and Skye are super cute together. Mru! (Hi Luve)

I love Otis. I tried to sketch him last night but damn he's hard to draw... x_x;

I have two rasputina songs absolutely MEMORIZED so I can sing them whenever I want. Rats and Tournaquette (spelling?) I love those songs... *rolls around*

Mallin has given me confidence in my singing. WOW. He makes me feel like I actually have a pretty voice... Mallin says my voice is ideal, perfect... *blushes hardcore* he makes me feel so wonderful... I can't believe I can actually sing in front of him... in front of anyone! I haven't been able to EVER. I like singing a lot now, thus the LOTS of singing I did last night... memorizing the songs and such. ^_^ Fweee.

I got a card for my graduation from my cousin Todd and his wife yesterday... *smile* I love Todd. I miss him. I miss him and Ken and the rest of that family. But especially him and my uncle Ken. *le-sigh*

Graduation this sunday. wee?

GUH I need to figure out someway to crush this crappy mood. BLAH. Anyway I flee to do stuff. Clean probably, then draw. Later.
Current Mood: discontent

5th June 2003

9:46am: I am BLESSED
I've been thinking about this recently... how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life...

I have Erin, a long standing and dear friend, the first person I said I love you to, and have never questioned that love EVER since I said it the first time. Erin showed me what a friend could be. What a friend SHOULD be. She has been so wonderful to me. And on top of all that, she is an amazing writer and artist, especially writer. One of my favorites and an inspiration to my writing.

I have Angel, a big sister who has served as mentor, role model, idol, and dear friend for... how long is it? A couple years at the very least... Angel has always, ALWAYS been someone I really look up to, and still do, probably always will. She has always been so patient and loving with me, and has always been a huge inspiration. She has always, in her art and writing and everything she does, shown me things about myself, and things I want in my life... not to say I want to be exactly like her, although to be honest there were times inthe past that I did, but I want to be my own person now, she just helps inspire and bring out who that person that I want to be and am, is.

Through Angel I came to know Beth, another older person who I came to look up to. She has always been there for me to talk to and always been willing to give honest advice, advice that has helped me. On top of that, she's just this super spiffy, wonderful person who I am so happy to call one of my very best friends.

Then there is Jenna, who I came to love like a little sister. This beautiful, wonderful girl who reminds me SO MUCH of me when I was younger. I want so much to do everything I can to help her through hard times, to help her grow. She is a wonderful, beautiful, amazingly talented girl and I know she will grow up to be a wonderful, beautiful, amazingly talented woman. Her talent absolutely blows me away. It makes me happy when I have helped her in some way. On top of all that, she is a very sweet and wonderful friend.

There is Hillary, this amazing girl who is beyond description. Well really all these people have so much more to them than words can possibly say, but one of the greatest things about hillary is that she cannot really be described. She is, HILLARY, and Hillary is great. I'm just BURSTING with adoration everytime I talk to her, and it makes me feel so wonderful to think that I am important to her in some way. The more I got to know her the more I absolutely adored her. I love her art and I love her characters and I love her.

And there is Lisa. My lovely Lisa. This gorgeous girl across the ocean. I want so much to show her how beautiful, wonderful and talented she is. I want so much for her to be happy. And then, I just love her. So much. The more I talk to her, the more connected to her I feel. The more I feel I could just babble to her about anything and everything without fear. The more I hope she knows she can trust me, the more I hope she knows she can talk to me about anything and everything too, because I so want to be here for her. I love her and she loves me and that makes me so happy.

And then I have so many other wonderful friends... like Anna and Amanda and Jenn and Jolyn and Foxy and Luve... and I am still making more...

And then, there is Travis. I never, EVER thought in a million years that I would find someone like him. It is to him that I owe so many of the wonderful friends I have now. It is to him that I owe all the confidence and self esteem I've gained. Because of him, I can feel beautiful. Because of him, I can feel worth while. Because of him, I can love myself. Because of him, I continue to grow in confidence and self esteem, I have discovered so much about who I am and I continue to learn more. He makes me feel safe. He makes me believe in things. He makes the world seem wonderful no matter WHAT is happening otherwise. He is so much to me. He is everything. He is a part of me and he is this wonderful other person. He never fails to overwhelm me with his patience, understanding, and unending, unconditional, infinate love and adoration.

To all these people, thank you. Thank you so very much. Thank you for all that you have done for me and all you continue to do. Thank you for being your wonderful, beautiful selves. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for existing.

You never fail to make my life wonderful. I truly believe I am the luckiest person alive to have you all in my life.

And you Mallin. Thank you for all of this. Thank you so much.

I love you all.
Current Mood: loved
9:31am: I got to talk to Lisa for a long time yesterday. That made me very happy. :3 We even got to RP! Melatonin and Donovan. XD THEY ARE FALLING IN LOVE! WOO!

Sorry I had to leave so suddenly, Lisa. My parents wanted me to come to the table for dinner and if I take too long they get impatient... c_c; I love you so much <3<3<3

LISA IS MINE FUCKOS! *drapes her over shoulder and marches around showing off her lovely* hi. I'm silly. *kisses for Lisa*

I think I'm going to change Cecil's name to December. If you don't know who that is, don't worry. I'll draw him soon enough. Adelle should know though. ;3

Practiced aya faces last night and TRIED to draw Amon... eventually got it. Just sketches, but eh?

I want to start drawing backgrounds dammit...

HEY JENN! PAC! MY LOVELY RAT LOVE! I'm almost done with that doodle. IT IS DEDICATED TO YOU! :D I just need to finish inking the hair and then color it...

hair inking is a BITCH because of how I do it now. SO MANY LINES and I'm so picky about it... I'll work on the same damn chunk of hair until it looks right to me... x_x GUH but its worth it in the end, even if while I'm inking its HELL. hehe.

Need to call dad again soon. We need to get my car checked today because its making WEIRD noises. I also have to clean... and check up on applications... x_x UGH Aya needs a job.

Mallin and I watched House of 1000 Corpses on his computer last night AGAIN. Yes, I am obsessive, but this time he's obsessive with me... well alright he ALWAYS feeds into my obsessions and will watch the same movie with me over and over and never complain and RP with me and just BE WONDERFUL but he's obsessed with this movie too. Hehe.

I love Mallin. He's so wonderful. *rolls around joyously*

omg I just got the FUNNIEST IDEA FOR A PICTURE FOR JENNA! *giggles insanely*

I talked to VEE yesterday! OMG she was so cool I love. AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINGS OTIS IS THE SEX! :D:D:D hehehe! <3

I'm tired. X_X

Still figuring stuff out about Aya, what she is, her past, etc. x_x GUH but its fun?

I want to draw a BAZILLION THINGS. *dies* Too bad I don't pump out art as fast as I used to... but the reason for that is because I do a lot more with it than I used to, so its good? heh? x_x

*rolls around*

OK dad just stopped by. He'll get in touch with me later about the car. OKIE DOKIE. I still have to clean and call about jobs... XP

I'm lonely. And I still have about 6 hours before Mallin will probably be up. ;_;

BLAH OH WELL. babble.
Current Mood: tired

3rd June 2003

11:50am: HASH(0x83e6dc4)
Guys just love...how shy and sweet you are!


What Do Guys Love About You? (with pics :3)
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^_^;

I have to clean and stuff today. BLAH-ISHNESS! But whatever?

Mallin and I are going to watch HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES on his computer today because we both want to see it again. XD yay. I don't expect him to be up for a while though... he finished work at 8 in the morning and that would mean he'd been up for 22 hours. Its noon now so he's only been sleeping 4 hours. x_x;

Went shopping yesterday. My mom gave me some money for art supplies and bought me a bunch of books! Art supplies, I got some new bristol, 2 clear blenders, one black charcoal pencil and one white, a cheap pack of paper blender things, hmm... I think maybe that was all... then I bought a cd at media play, and then books.

I got a Harry Potter book, a book of Oscar Wilde quotes that was on sale... and books of movies that I love: A Little Princess, The Princess Bride, and The Last Unicorn. My parents bought Mallin a book too. ^_^ We ate chinese food and before we left Mallin and I got a little mini chocolate cake to split. It was YUMMY.

ASHRYN AND ARPHALIA- OK even if I send it today I'm not sure if the invitation will reach you in time but my graduation and party is this Sunday. I just want you to know you're invited. I completely understand if you can't come, but if you can, you are more than welcome. If you could come, I'm sure we could arrange for you to either stay here or at Mallin's house. ^_^ *loves*

oh yeah! I'm graduating this sunday! Go me!

ADELLE- What happened honey? *hugs* I'm sorry that I've been so absent recently, I really hope you're OK... remember that I'm here for you... *kisses* I love you...

LISA- Saw those pictures of you! You are so very beautiful... *nuzzles* Love you, my lovely.

OK. Now for the slave labor. *trudges off*
Current Mood: blah
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